


black paper

by higayimdad



Series: TXT oneshots [1]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Freeform, M/M, Sad Ending, The Author Regrets Everything, they were in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:47:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23268697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/higayimdad/pseuds/higayimdad
Summary: He felt like a white crayon in a world of white papers. Invisible, maybe able to make a dirty smudge at best. Years ago he met Soobin on the bus. Soobin who made him feel wanted, needed, loved. He met Soobin and found out it was okay that he was a white crayon, because all you needed was someone who preferred black paper.Soobin preferred black paper.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Series: TXT oneshots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1684213
Comments: 7
Kudos: 47





	black paper

**Author's Note:**

> You know that tumblr post like years ago that was more or less just "I feel as useless as a white crayon" and someone replied with "you just need to find someone who prefers black paper" YEAH 100% inspired by that but I made it SAD aka author projects sad feelings onto fic :) 
> 
> Suggest you put on a real sad playlist when reading because I had sad music on while writing this. Enjoy. 
> 
> Edits to be made in the future to correct spelling and grammar, please bare with it in the meantime lol

_Somewhere in Seoul_

Yeonjun used to be called a prodigy as he grew up in his hometown. That he was so smart, talented, simply the number 1. He bathed in the attention almost his whole life. Loved it so much. 

When he grew up he decided to move into the big city to _become_ something you know? And of course his parents, his family everyone supported him. He was a fantastic dancer and performer, his mother loved his singing voice and his friends praised his charisma. So he went, followed his dreams, chased them with burning passion. And he did so good, he connected with people and found others who made him feel safe and liked the same things as he. Which is why it hurt even more when his dreams slipped through his fingers like sand. 

Stupid people shouldn’t sit behind a wheel and drive if their only purpose is to ruin the life of people with dreams. That’s what happened to Yeonjun at least. His doctor told him to be happy that he would recover enough so that he could walk again, maybe even run for short periods of time without feeling _too_ much pain. That was it though, no more dancing. He felt guilty. He couldn’t even explain why, why _he_ felt guilty for being able to walk when he couldn’t dance. The burning passion slowly but surely died as he recovered. He was forced back home by his parents to heal properly. And when he stood on legs again he wanted to go back, go back to Seoul. Because Seoul is for people with dreams. Yeonjun wanted to pretend he still had dreams. 

It was a long time, and looking back at it he found it ironic how he lost most of his friends. Most went to the same dance academy, most were in his school; so when he disappeared they simply fell out of touch. They forgot him, he didn’t though. He tried his best to adapt, changed his major from dance to literature because he always like to read. 

He fell out of it, felt useless, tried his best to exercise, pretended he still enjoyed to dance even when his joints ached so much tears streamed down his face and even when he couldn’t properly do the moves. At some point, when cash got tight and his pride didn’t allow him to ask his parents for it he begun working at a supermarket. It was just another place where people passed him without a glance, where people forgot him as soon as they left and gave him no other thought. 

_Fight_

He wasn’t special anymore, that was it. He wasn’t a prodigy or talented because he couldn’t dance, he was no longer the smartest one in his class. Though he was a good singer he never found the true passion to pursue it. Now he was number 2, number 3, even last sometimes. His parents always told him it was ok. Don’t worry. Fight! But everytime he got his C’s he remembered the A+'s, but it wasn’t fair to compare himself to 21 year-old Yeonjun who laughed everyday and went to coffeeshops with his friends and Yeonjun who danced. It wasn’t fair to compare himself to happy Yeonjun. 

Despite that his passion was long burned out, he still had the will to fight for whatever reason. If it wasn't fighting for his dreams, it was fighting because he pretended he still had dreams. 

_Somewhere in Seoul_

He met Soobin during his last year in uni. He had run late for the bus, and when he arrived at the bus stop he realized as the bus rolled in that he forgot his travel card at home. He could see it in his head lying in the bowl standing on his kitchen table. He swore viciously under his breath as he wondered if he had time to run back home and grab it. Of course until a sweet boy with puffy cheeks and big doe eyes walked up to him and asked if everything was alright. Of course Yeonjun must’ve been disheveled and stressed, but it was the first time someone had approached him like this. Yeonjun recognized him, they took the same bus every single morning, so he only remember thinking they lived in the same area. 

He lent him money for both the ride to school and the ride home, if he promised to remember his card next time. Yeonjun laughed, happy someone saw him. 

Soon enough they stopped sitting on different ends of the bus and instead begun sitting next to each other, especially when the bus got full. _“Soobin”_ he had introduced himself as one time, it was probably one of the clearest memories he had of the other. He wore a big hoodie underneath the black jacket, he had unruly hair and yawned every two seconds. But he also smiled so big his bottomless dimples appeared and the near charcoal eyes disappeared. 

Something about Soobin made Yeonjun feel seen. When the two became friends Yeonjun always looked forward to spending time with him because no one could make him laugh as loud and make him feel so gleeful and full of life. In the midst of what was one of the worst periods of his life he found a ray of light. His name was Soobin. In some ways Soobin saved him from falling into a pit of darkness, because Soobin had friends who were silly, full of energy and friends who followed their dreams, 

There was Taehyun, eyes burning with umber and fire. Wise as an old man even if he was younger than Yeonjun. There was Hueningkai, who embraced his childish side and loved his friends with a heart to big. There was Beomgyu who laughed like it was the only thing that he could do, who had the same passion as Yeonjun once had burning in his body. 

Short after Yeonjun met them he forgot about the friends who forgot about him. There was no place for him to remember them, he had to make sure he remembered _these_ friends. And don’t get him wrong, Yeonjun could write a hundred sonnets about them all, how much he loved them. But none of them were Soobin, or well, Soobin was Soobin. It took Yeonjun long for him to stop comparing himself to the old happy Yeonjun, the one with dance and good grades and the one who was praised for his talents. It’s just because he became the new happy Yeonjun, the one with energy to put more effort into studies, the one who could laugh without care and the one who, despite not being able to dance found passion for other things. 

He was a fool for not understanding there was something special about Soobin, of course there was something special about him. Was there any other reasons Yeonjun’s felt like he ate butterflies around him, like he was the prettiest boy in the entire city, felt like he wanted to _feel_ like he did around Soobin all the time. Seen, wanted, loved. 

Of course when he told Taehyun about it for the first time the younger just looked at him dumbfounded, for him, and everyone else despite Soobin it was apparent Yeonjun was in love. _“I’ve never seen someone look at someone else with heart eyes like that”_ Yeonjun can clearly remember Taehyun whispering, they were standing on his balcony and it was in the middle of winter, he had no shoes and he felt numb in his fingers. _“Tell him hyung! Tell him you’re in love.”_

He felt unsure of course, he had never done that. Be the first one to say _that_. Pretentious and so far from humble it did sound, people were always the one asking him out, telling him they had a crush. Therefore, his only experience was the attempts others had made on him. He prepared something grand, he had set up a table cloth and lit candles, roses and was in the middle of cooking dinner for the two of them when Soobin called and said he had caught a fever. Yeonjun had to pretend he wasn’t crushed because of this, he had told Soobin they would only watch a movie. After multiple other failed attempts Yeonjun wondered if it was a sign to just, not tell him. 

Yeonjun was a fan of collecting memories if that made sense, a dance recital when he was 11, the accident, Soobin and the bus, Taehyun on the balcony. The clearest memory of them all though, it must’ve been long over two years after he met Soobin for the first time, he was still madly in love with the younger. It was May, there was pink flowers planted in the pots outside one of his favorite cafés and he always wondered what they were, he remember they had just put out their outdoor seating and the sun was shining. Soobin wore sunglasses with pink glass that made his otherwise dark irises a bit lighter, both through the glass and in the sun. Yeonjun was on his phone and stirred his drink with his straw, and from nowhere Soobin told him that _he_ was in love with the older. even this time he wasn’t the one telling it. Soobin beat him to it. 

They were so disgustingly in love their friends made up rules stopping them from being too lovey dovey around them. Yeonjun couldn’t help it, how could he? He had found someone who made him feel needed, made him feel visible, important, loved. Soobin would spend endless nights at Yeonjun’s apartment, it wasn’t long until he ultimately moved in. The two fit like puzzle pieces, so why shouldn’t they, they worked in sync. Yeonjun liked to do the cooking, Soobin found peace in cleaning. Yeonjun walked around the apartment singing songs about the most beautiful love stories, like his mother did Soobin fell endlessly in love with the singing. Yeonjun was shocked when he learned Soobin wasn’t so bad himself. _“Binnie how could you keep this to yourself!”_

Once Hueningkai started teaching Soobin the piano the apartment was filled with endless music. Soobin practiced until wee hours of the day and Yeonjun would sit by his side and sing along to the tunes. If he could he would’ve danced, but for the first time in a long time he felt content with the way it was. 

Soobin beat him to telling Yeonjun that he was in love with him. Which is why Yeonjun was set on being the one to bring them onto the new chapter in life. He had prepared everything. It was August, he had bought the same pink flowers from the café years ago, the sky matched them perfectly and he waited patiently for Soobin with them in hand. When the younger arrived he promptly thanked the older for the flowers, of course, but thought it was nothing but the occasional gifts Yeonjun would buy him. 

They set of to eat a picnic in the park outside the city. _We are going to watch the sunset._ Soobin was filled with glee watching it, Yeonjun had even made sure he only brought Soobin’s favorite bread, drink and snacks. When the first stars appeared on the sky and the thin crescent moon appeared behind them Yeonjun brushed his thumb across the younger’s cheek and finally asked him. _“Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with me?”_

The ring glimmered like the stars in the sky underneath the moon. Yeonjun couldn’t forget that. 

It was somewhere in Seoul, Yeonjun couldn’t remember. Maybe it was on the bus on his way home, or had he already arrived? He couldn’t remember even if his life would’ve been on the line. He just remember the accident, no, the call about the accident. There wasn’t much too it. Yeonjun didn’t want to hear the details. A truck had passed a red light, the truck had driven right into bus 16 that Soobin was on. 

The hospital smelled like death.

_Somewhere in Seoul_

Yeonjun sat on the windowsill in his apartment, he held the ring underneath the moonlight which casted shadows around him. It’s white diamond caught in the light was beautiful. Yeonjun could still remember what it looked like on Soobin’s finger on the picnic blanket months back when the younger accepted it with tears in his eyes, accepted it with a smile on his lips, bottomless dimples. 

In the deepest crevice of the ring, Yeonjun caught glance of something red. He hated it. Wanted to throw the ring on the ground, or out the window. Yeonjun hated how he collected memories he didn’t want to keep. 

He only wanted the Soobin with pink dusted onto to the apples of his cheeks. Only wanted the Soobin outside the café or by the piano next to Yeonjun singing songs. He only wanted Soobin and him being disgustingly in love, making their friends squirm. 

Years ago, it had been after Yeonjun’s own accident, he felt like a white crayon in a world of white papers. Invisible, maybe able to make a dirty smudge at best. Years ago he met Soobin on the bus. Soobin who made him feel wanted, needed, loved. He met Soobin and found out it was okay that he was a white crayon, because all you needed was someone who preferred black paper. 

Soobin preferred black paper. 

_Somewhere in Seoul_

Yeonjun wondered if he would ever meet someone again that preferred black paper and loved white crayons like Soobin did. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if I caused any emotional trauma but author regrets nothing (ok yes I lowkey cried when writing I was really in my feelings)
> 
> Thank you for reading, kudos and comments always greatly appreciated <3
> 
> Scream at me on twitter if you want to (or if you want to be mutuals!)  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/hopeonmydick)


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